Eighteen:

The detour to their Meadowlands Stadium match gave Brian the opportunity to ask Mimbleshaw some questions.

"Werewolves binging and purging on families," said Brian. "Talking animals hijacking broadcast stations. Fairies. How can any of this be? Why invade our world now?"

"Human" said Mimbleshaw. "Rather than calling it an invasion, think of it more as a long-standing occupation you have only now learned exists. After all, the world can only be ruled in secret. Consider the taboo against talk of money. Who do you hear say talk of money is rude? People with money. Rich people. Because poor people have nothing to steal, they will lie they have money before they think to hush talk of it. Refusing to speak of a privilege naturally becomes part of sheltering it. This is no less true for the actual rulers of the world. As your revered thinkers say, with great power goes great deniability."

"That's backward crazy-talk," said Brian. "Why do you get to pick the King of the World? Why do you get to pick — a dog — the King of the World?"

"By right of taxation," said Mimbleshaw. "Our organization sends coupon fairies to rifle through people's garbage all over the globe."

"So you decided to call it a tax and declare a king?" said Brian.

"Yes," said Mimbleshaw. "We invoke the motto of every king in the History of the World: I tax, therefore I govern."

"You talk like a barnacle taking credit for what the whale kicks up," said Brian. "And why a dog? Who benefits from making a dog King of the World?"

"Tuffy has fled with the crown," said Mimbleshaw. "But he will not run from a creature he believes his every advantage entitles him to control. That is why we arranged for the radio show to select Spot to succeed Tuffy. He is a coward who will flee from any other challenger."

"Your trap for the fugitive King of the World," said Brian, "is a teeny-tiny dog I can pick up with one hand?"

"Cowards and bullies naturally value crowns to validate their behavior," said Mimbleshaw. "But as only a symbol of accomplishment, crowns also attract dissent and cruelty. A coward can only keep a crown in hiding. He must endure isolation. To silence his own doubts of his accomplishments, he nurtures in his isolation as much hatred as he can. Imagining Spot free disgusts Tuffy. When his rage forces him to emerge from hiding, Tuffy will be his most vulnerable."

"—ok, but why did you pick me?" said Brian. "My parents? Taken by clowns. The Bannisters? Zombie slaves. Their baby? Fairy contraband. You could have ruined anyone's life."

"Human," said Mimbleshaw. "While Tuffy's anger climbs, we needed one of the most natural things in the world. A child to care for a dog. Unfortunately, Its Majesty Spot chose to race you on the playground that day. If you were thoughtful, the coupon fairies would have had no need to draft the Bannisters' help. We would have been completely finished with you by now."

"What do you mean?" said Brian. "That all this trouble is my fault?"

"Lose the dog, lose your parents, lead civilization to the edge of collapse," said Mimbleshaw. "Not your typical singing-cowboy race to the bottom, is it, Human?"