Thirteen:

"Why yes, Brian," said Mr. Bannister. "How can I help you?"

"—oh, Mr. Bannister, you have to help us," said Brian. "Circus stooges have taken my parents hostage..."

"Stooges, were they?" said Mr. Bannister. "That's terrible."

"—I know it sounds strange," said Brian. "That dog I found was a runaway circus dog. The clowns want him back..."

"Your parents were taken hostage over a dog?" said Mr. Bannister. "This sounds serious."

"—oh, I know it sounds silly," said Brian. "To say my parents have been kidnapped over a dog. But, you see, this dog talks..."

"Of course," said Mr. Bannister. "Stooges wouldn't hesitate to take hostages to recover a talking dog. Why, your heart must be beating like a hummingbird's. Why don't you stay for a slice of pie?"

"—even so," said Brian. "You must wonder why I don't simply return the dog..."

"I can only imagine you have a perfectly reasonable explanation," said Mr. Bannister. "Let's say your pulse is around one hundred eighty. Doesn't a cookie sound like a good treat to take a break for?"

"—you see," said Brian. "I yelled at the dog for using my toothbrush, and he ran away..."

"Oh, you shouldn't blame yourself, young man," said Mr. Bannister. "Before you lose your eye-tracking completely, perhaps you should imbibe deeply some homemade beer?"

"Pies? Cookies? Beer?" said Brian. "Mr. Bannister, you're like a happy Christmas Ghost. Are you teasing me?"

"Tease you?" said Mr. Bannister. "I offered you a treat. What does your refusal have to do with that strange 'banana-boy' business you engage in? Perhaps you would prefer a banana split with some homemade ice cream."

"Pa?" said a voice from the Bannisters' baby carriage. "Our special radio show is about to start."

"He's right," said Mr. Bannister. "The start of our special radio show is imminent."

"He's right?" said Brian. "He who? Who he?"

"Why, my newborn infant son, of course," said Mr. Bannister.

"What?" said Brian. "Babies can't talk."

"Sure we can." Up from the carriage sat a man. A miniature man with clear butterfly wings. "Why, howdy young fellow. I mean boy much older than I. Since I am the Bannisters' baby. And am newly born."

"Hello again, little boy." The two little coupon fairies Brian met before revealed themselves.

"You've arrived in time to listen to our special radio show," said the other fairy. "You will have to wait until it finishes before you can enjoy some fairy food."

"Yes," said Brian. "I think I understand what's happening. You are all insane. And because there are no such things as coupon fairies, that must mean I'm insane too."

"Hush now, Brian," said Mr. Bannister. "We will attend to these troublesome stooges. But after our radio program. And maybe a nice snack."

"This is Cosimo D. Mimbleshaw," said the voice from the radio. "If you are our tenth caller, and you answer our trivia question, you become... King of the World. Tenth caller, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"

"Cosimo, this is Susan again," said the caller. "If I answer the question, am I still King of the World? Or can I become Queen?"

"I am sorry, Susan," said the announcer. "Your opportunity is for King of the World only. If you would rather not be king, you can always make someone you like king. Then maybe he can make you queen or something. Are you ready to answer today's trivia question?"

"I'm ready," said Susan.

"Susan," said the announcer. "You become King of the World if you can describe to me the intestines of a canine animal."

"Oh gee, let me think," said Susan. "Gosh, I don't know."

"Sorry, Susan," said the announcer. "Maybe you can try again some other time. Next caller, this is Cosimo D. Mimbleshaw. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"

"Monsieur le Mimpleslaw," said the next caller. "It is Spot."

"—oh no," said Brian.

"Spot," said the announcer. "You become King of the World, if you can describe to me the intestines of a canine animal."

"Oui," said Spot. "The canine animals have the smooth intestines for the quick digestion. The preferred meal is the smelly animal entrails."

"Congratulation, Your Majesty," said the announcer. "You are now... King of the World."

"—eeeee," said Spot.

Brian tracked the phone and Spot to the pantry.

"You," said Brian. "This must be your fault. Fix the Bannister baby."

"Monsieur le Brian," said Spot. "I have broken no Bannister babies."

"Its Majesty Spot is right, young fellow," said a bewhiskered fairy in Spot's company. "The theft of that Bannister baby weren't his fault. Some foolish human gave the baby's name to my daughters, Ellie and Lulu Belle. Now they gone and traded away my nephew Waxy Dave for him."

"What?" said Brian.

"Why, even if that Mr. Bannister fellow hadn't eaten the magical food," said the fairy, "there ain't nothing anyone can do to get that baby back. That's a rule. No fairy got to give back a baby when a human gives us the baby's name."

"That is the most severe of misfortunes," said Spot. "The most tragic of circumstances. The soiled diapers of Monsieur le New Baby taste like the damnation. Monsieur le Brian, do you know Monsieur le Sweaty Pete? He is what they call a coupon fairy. And we must go."

"And where do you think you're going?" said Brian.

"To complete the King of the World crowning," said Spot. "I must follow the radio contest instructions to wait at Monsieur le Brian's home."

"We'll go home alright," said Brian. "But not to make you any kind of king. When I bring you back, those clowns will let go of my parents. Then we'll figure out how to snap Mr. Bannister out of his spell, and bring back his baby. Then you can go back to whatever circus you came from."

"I'm sorry you lost your parents there, young fellow," said Sweaty Pete. "But we can't let you trade away our new king like that. We wouldn't be very good coupon fairies if we did." Sweaty Pete waved a wand, and Brian's clothes flew off him.

"I can't go outside in my underwear," said Brian. "People will think... why... they'll think—"

"They'll think what?" said Lulu Belle. "They'll think maybe you have some kind of girlfriend or something?

"That you're... in love?" said Ellie.

"Or that you're some kind of big baby?" said Waxy Dave. With no further hesitation, the fairies wheeled Spot away.